Ryan Seacrest is a busy man. First it was just radio. Then it was radio and television. Then it was radio, television and that mysterious additive he put in the Los Angeles water system. Someday he will rule us all. When that day arrives, President Seacrest probably won't feel the need to shave before his State of the Union address, either.

With that horrifying image stuck in your head, the Wednesday night (Feb. 25) episode of "American Idol" opens with Scruffy Seacrest, clad in natty pinstripes, praising the previous night's performers, who drew an impressive 13 million votes.

Ryan begins by asking LaToya London if it was her strategy to fly below the radar before her Shrove Tuesday breakout, as if she were hiding in the editing room begging the show's producers not to give her any screentime. She laughs, or pretends to laugh.

The judges are unanimous in their predictions. Randy, Simon and Paula all expect that LaToya and Leah "Vladowski" LaBelle will be the two Finalists out of Group Three.

Simon observes that last night's show was like a 100-meter race in which one contestant won in 10 seconds (fast enough to win most British sprints, apparently) and the others ran in 16 seconds. Paula not-so-reluctantly agrees with Simon's analogy and he returns her buss from the night before, escalating their intimacy with a kiss on the mouth. Readers with delicate digestive systems should know that there is no evidence of tongue. Ryan stands in the corner giggling like a schoolgirl and trying to think of "Hee-hee, Simon kissed a GIRL" jokes.

I hope this doesn't become a running gag in which every time Simon and Paula agree, they have to pretend to be at a drive-in, constantly raising the raunch-stakes. That could get nauseating by, say, last night.

Libido controlled after a commercial break (perhaps there was an off-camera ice-bath), Ryan pulls the Top Three. LaToya is the first into the upper legion, where she stands "All By Herself" (for the time being, at least). Jonah isn't as lucky and he'll just have to sing "I Wish" all the way back to the beaches of Hawaii. Charly Lowry may soon believe that the voters are a "Chain of Fools," because she's not in the Top Three. The viewers didn't call in for Eric Yoder either, leaving his phone lines "In the Still of the Night." Elizabeth LeTendre may "Wanna Dance With Somebody," but the voters left their dance cards free for other singers. Amy Adams gets by on "The Power of Love" from "Idol" fans.

That leaves Leah "Vladowski" and Jon Peter "Pen Boy" Lewis sitting on the hot seat through the usual commercials for Fords, soft drinks and cell phones that Ryan Seacrest pretends he uses.

After a plug for next week's special, Ryan announces that Pen Boy is in the Final Three. Jon Peter is either really surprised, really confused or really bored. It's difficult to tell.

LaToya is the first person through to the Finals, with a massive 32.3 percent of the vote. She sings "All By Myself" again as an encore. While her pitch seems slightly better, I continue to be in the decided minority that finds her just a wee bit flat. Then again, I'd have voted for Elizabeth LeTendre, so perhaps I'm not to be trusted this week.

Amy and Pen Boy actually seem to think that Ryan is going to announce the second Finalist without selling any products. Instead, we get the expensive Nike commercial where Michael Vick plays hockey, Lance Armstrong boxes and Andre Agassi patrols the infield for the Red Sox. It's a strangely plausible ad because it suggests that once the Yankees are done scooping up all of the highest paid players in baseball, my poor Sox will be forced to put tennis players in uniform.

The teaser for next week's group is actually the most interesting part of the entire show. Donnie Williams was scheduled to be in Group Four, but Williams was arrested early Monday morning on suspicion of drunk driving. He's nowhere to be seen in the photo montage. In his place is George Huff, who audition fans may recall for his great voice and 40-year-old demeanor.

All mention of Williams has been removed from the FOX site as well. However he tried to justify his behavior to producers must not have been good enough. He's the first scandal casualty of this "American Idol" season.

Amy becomes the sixth singer through to the Finals. Pen Boy is either really disappointed, really confused or really bored. It's difficult to tell.

Time to go back to celebrating the disappearance of Oliver on "The O.C."